I recently posted in my magic experiment that I had made a bold decision. (The magic experiment is a Facebook daily post where I track things that happen in my life that most would call “coincidence” or “funny” or “weird”.)
My “bold decision” is actually more than one and starts with the recognition that I had begun, in my day-to-day life, to wish time was passing by.
I would actively look at the clock and wondering when it would be “acceptable” for me to remove myself from my desk (which was never built to sit at for hours a day), stop working on the muggle job, and motivate myself to work on the To Do list for my personal business.
Then, in the effort required to motivate myself after the muggle role responsibilities were done into actually doing said To Dos for the personal business, I would have to force the need for “accomplishment” to be my motivating factor. I’d set little tasks to create momentum, small little steps that would eventually lead to recognizable progress. The effort was exhausting.
The energy required for me to motivate myself through the 33 hours a week I was being paid “directly” for sucked out my capacity to want to build my business. The operative word in that sentence is “want”.
That was my first excuse. “The muggle job was preventing the work on my personal business.”
Then I hosted a workshop. For the first time ever, I tried a different method to fill seats. I emailed friends and former clients and asked them to spread the word. I referenced the workshop in my conversations with others. I wrote blogs and Facebook posts and Instagram posts. I asked for friends to post the information on “public announcement” sites at local big companies.
I felt bold for asking.
It felt uncomfortable too, but I was going to give it a go. I didn’t want to regret not asking for the business.
The motivation I utilized to write the companion workbook, update the website, connect the multiple systems required to ideally make it seamless and without too much shepherding work from me required many 12- 1 AM working session.
In the end, the systems didn’t work the way they were supposed to. The spreading of the word didn’t do much beyond what my own personal conversations created and the timeline I was working under made everything feel “stacked” and not spacious, further depleting my energy.
The workshop was a success on many levels. It was a beautiful experience. I have two more personal 1:1 versions of this workshop coming up this month with two amazing souls I am so blessed to know.
I put so much heart into this work.
At the end of it, I acknowledged the heart-based work.
I also acknowledged that the heart is a muscle.
I was exhausted, not only from holding sacred space for some deep soulful work – that part I’ve been training for so it wasn’t as exhausting as my first workshop three years ago. This one however, felt different.
I felt done.
I felt done with it all.
This is the moment when I realized that for years now, the only avenues I could see to make money were to either work for myself or work for someone else. To grow my business or to go back to what I know; sales operations, customer operations and the like.
I had attempted, with this most recent role acceptance, to try and do both simultaneously.
In that moment when I realized I was done; I was incredibly peaceful.
I felt relief wash through me. A few tears slowly tracked my cheeks. There was no gushing or sobbing. Just a deep, quiet resignation.
I let go of the story that it was one or the other. I let go of the idea that I was beholden to anyone or anything; whether I had created it or accepted it as part of my world didn’t matter. I had the power to choose differently. With this peace, I went to bed.
Somewhere, a few days into the next week, I got a call from John Hopkins University. I had checked out their Masters in Environmental Sciences program because I wanted to apply the healing lessons I have been learning to our planet.
Before finding and accepting the muggle role, I had been searching for roles that sounded fun and interesting (not ones I had done before or had the “skill set” for on paper). It became obvious when I stumbled upon a series of environmental roles that made me swoon that I needed a different set of skills to get in the door and that would require more schooling.
The admissions contact was calling to follow up. The degree costs about $40K. I wasn’t (and still am not) in a place to make that work.
I did go through the effort to work on the application, securing transcripts from 5 different universities. I also tried to attend the financial aid meeting back when I first checked out the program. It was an automated sign up system and I never got the details that were supposed to send for the webinar access so I took that as a (not now) sign and never followed up. (At least I’m not the only one who can’t get automated systems to work as expected.)
The day I got the call from John Hopkins, I was at my desk working the muggle job and I started to cry. I cried for the “dream” I’d put aside and practically forgotten about so I could pay the bills.
A few days later, I reacted very poorly to an email from a coworker. We’ve struggled with one another since I started at said muggle job and this email tossed me over an edge. The email itself wasn’t bad, if you read it you’d wonder how it could upset me. It was the story behind and around it that got under my skin.
It’s been a really long time since “work” made me cry. I felt emotions I hadn’t felt in a long while and my body reacted violently.
Only this time I know better.
I know how smart and capable I am.
I know what I have the power to contribute and to create. I know that choosing what makes me feel good is always the right choice. I know that moving away from things that make me feel small, make my skin feel awkward on my body or trigger a specific visceral feeling of what I can only deem as “fire” goosebumps are signs that I’m not in a position to function at my best.
I also know that if I am not at my best, I’m not doing anyone any favors, least of all myself.
So now, step back with me here because in a one week time frame this is a whole lot to digest.
I’m disappointed and frustrated with the business I’ve built.
I’m forcing and muscling my way through my business (even if it’s with my heart muscle).
I have no desire to run my business anymore, at least not the way it’s currently built.
I’ve acknowledged I’m not at my best in my muggle job.
I’ve acknowledged I’ve let go of dreams that have not let go of me.
Because I’m tuned into universal signs and symbols with my magic experiment I have tears of relief when I find this quote on Instagram from @heyitscarmichael just a few days after the email incident.
“When the time comes for you to make a change or grow, the universe will make you so uncomfortable you will eventually have no choice.”
My friends, I’ve arrived at that place of discomfort and I have zero visibility to the path forwards.
I know only that things cannot remain as they are.
What happens next is anybody’s guess.
I have the following key truths as my compass:
If I stay centered in the things that matter most to me and rooted in the present moment, the path will illuminate in a way that I won’t be able to miss it.
If I stay true to my authenticity, what gets built will feel bespoke and fit like a glove.
If I commit to using the tools I’ve learned and maintain my boundaries on what matters most to me, I won’t have to sacrifice things that are important (like time, holistic health and space) for things that are necessary but not important (like money).
Because, my love, I know that I can have all of it. Beyond a shadow of a doubt; there’s a divine right life that’s waiting for me and by saying the all important NO to the things I’ve thought were right, I can finally say YES to the things that are.
Writing feels right. I’ll keep writing.
And, if reading feels right to you, you’ll get to watch this new journey unfold.
With a loving, open heart filled with excitement for the unknown,