It’s Saturday night. I’ve just landed from a flight to see one of my tribe; the name I’ve given to a select core group of people, both male and female, who are in the deepest and most intimate inner circle of my life. These people are my most trusted advisors and my most sacred relationships. This trip lifted my heart. It was a gift.
My belly is full from my favorite roll at my favorite sushi place. A place that knows me so well, I barely have to ask for my custom order.
I’m sitting in my backyard. I remodeled it last year into a meditation garden complete with sitting rocks, and all the elements: earth, wind, water, fire. As such, the flames of the fire pit dance before me atop lava rocks (because when your roots are Hawaiian, lava means something) and I can both see and hear the waterfall that forms the center attraction of the space.
Besides typing on this computer, I’m taking pauses in between to watch the stars emerge as the sky darkens into night.
I cannot, at this moment, get over the fact that THIS is the life I am blessed to live.
The past few weeks have been exceptionally tough for me on all levels. It’s frighteningly easy to fall down into the dark parts of our journeys and to stay there. I’ve spent more time there lately than I’ve ever dreamed I would.
Major shifts are happening in my world. I’m finding I’m not alone. Astrology forecasts also back up what I’m feeling.
In my work with clients I talk a lot about being self aware. Being present in the moment. Like now for instance, my left leg is crossed over my right ankle and my right ankle is feeling a bit too much heat from the flames of the fire pit, as is the arch of my left foot. As I tune in more, I can feel a slight breeze coming at the left side of my face, brushing gently at my nose, cheeks and the left top most lip.
I tune into my breath. It’s deep and slow. I am relaxed. (It’s hard not to relax back here…). And as I type, I’m not exactly sure where this is going. The inspiration to write came upon me suddenly and I followed it.
Three years ago to this week, I left my job to explore how I wanted my life to look and feel. I am exceptionally proud of what I’ve done. I am grateful for each trip, each teacher, each nap, each lesson, each moment where I got to choose actively how my time would be spent.
The lifestyle I’ve led is full of abundance. At the end of 2016 there was an influx of financial abundance as well which gave me even greater freedom to choose how to spend my time.
I traveled. I built this garden. I changed how I see the world (both literally through Lasik surgery and figuratively working with well known life coaches like Martha Beck and L’Erin Alta).
I explored the universe, both physically and spiritually. This time has been a tremendous gift.
I’m ready now, to return to something different. I’ve talked about my pendulum theory in blogs before. It is, in short, the theory that when we leave one thing which created pain, misery or suffering we will quickly run to the farthest point opposite to balance the pain only to realize in the end, that we probably would be most happy in the middle.
I had this experience with my former husband who was the polar opposite of my long-term three year relationship before him.
I’m experiencing it now having run completely away from my corporate career (mostly, in hindsight, to escape my toxic boss) into as much of a gypsy lifestyle as I could manage as a single mom with two kids. I was dead-set on showing my daughters that life could be more than rushing, laptops after dinner and conference calls that would disrupt our morning routine.
I’ve showed them. I’m ready to show them what balance (to me) looks like.
I’ve discovered and learned so much growing and launching my business. I’ve explored technology in a completely new way, launching two CRMs and building and maintaining a website (not to mention all the little connections that go into a website…I have five additional systems that support these).
I’ve created content from scratch and facilitated workshops and seminars for large and well known corporations. I’ve been on stages for the National Diversity Counsel and for a women’s conference for Microsoft. These things make me proud.
I’ve also discovered that entrepreneurship can be, for me, lonely and isolating.
I miss being on (and leading) a team. I miss the feeling that comes from a group of collaborators celebrating an accomplishment, or the brainstorming of a solution. I miss crunching numbers and modeling options on the backside of the crunch.
My personal business didn’t grow big enough to provide these things for me. Instead, it was a testing ground for all the ways I might have the opportunity to help people make the most of being alive.
I have a love of business in general and how it works. I miss the front row seat of my career, where I got to watch some massive business engines in action.
I miss being a part of something that’s bigger than myself.
When I built my company, I built it on the person I was three years ago. Today, I am a completely different human in countless ways. I’ve grown and developed in a way that working in a head’s down, climbing-the-ladder corporate career could never have provided. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m smarter, more fearless and more confident in my skills.
When I left my job I would often comment that I left my career and that I was never going back.
It turns out, no matter what, you can’t go back.
Because once you learn who you really are and what truly makes you tick; you can’t unlearn these things.
I’m ready now, to make a bigger difference in the world.
I have no idea what that looks like. I trust that in time, where I’m supposed to be will be crystal clear. As per my usual M.O., I’ll keep knocking on doors and see which ones open. I’ll look at everything that comes my way and actively chase the ones that make me feel lighter and more expansive.
I don’t know the path I’m going to walk next. I am excited to find it and embrace it.
Tonight, however, I’m simply going to open a bottle of wine, and count the stars. Perhaps I’ll add a s’more or two to the mix…because I can.
Tomorrow, as I’ve also learned, can wait until it becomes today.